Mike, I think this whole “too many choices” thing takes us right back to the issue of how we look at other people. You’ve made the argument in favor of weeding people out in advance, but I think that’s the very same mentality that leads people to think of one another as “choices” rather than as other people who can play varying roles in their lives.
If we encounter members of the opposite sex as options to choose among to fill an empty slot in our lives, of course we start fearing buyer’s remorse…sure, this one might look good, but I haven’t checked all the shelves yet. I don’t really know whether I’m getting the best deal.
If, however, we take people as they come–if we interact with them naturally and view them as humans instead of prospects and don’t start sizing them up to see whether or not we might want to “buy” the moment we lay eyes on them–then there’s no reason to make any kind of choice at all in those early days when we don’t have enough information to choose in a way that makes sense and lends itself to certainty. We can get to know a variety of people in a variety of contexts and explore moving one toward a romantic relationship if and when our inclinations have grown in that direction based on the relationship we already have.
It frees us from having to line up virtual strangers and try to guess which one might or might not be a good “prospect”. It frees us from interview-style dates and it frees us from circumstances in which we feel compelled to start crossing off rules to make a “relationship” that was never a relationship at all “keep” working.
But once you move one toward a romantic relationship you shouldn’t have others on the back burner.
See, Mike, I think this is all a matter of the difference in the way that we see people of the opposite sex. In my mind, the men I interact with aren’t prospects for future relationships, so there is no back burner. A friend is a friend is a friend, and if one of those relationships moves in a romantic direction, it doesn’t change the other friendships because they were never based on the possibility of a future relationship.
So basically, when you meet a man for the first time, sex never crosses your mind? You don’t even entertain the thought or possibility of it. Why would you? A friend is a friend, is a friend. And it would be difficult to interact with someone naturally if…in the back of your mind…you were thinking, “He’s kinda Hot”.
Yep, that’s exactly what I’m saying. I don’t think about men sexually when I meet them, and I don’t think about them that way when we’re “just friends”. It would, indeed, be difficult to interact naturally if you had another agenda in the back of your mind–in fact, I think it would be impossible.
There’s a big difference between being able to objectively identify someone as attractive and being attracted to that person, and the former doesn’t have any impact on the way you think about a person.
You actually should know this firsthand. YOU’RE kinda hot, after all–as much because you’re such a great dad and friend as because you’ve got that “callouses and heavy lifting” thing going on that all men should. But I sure wouldn’t see any reason that we shouldn’t be friends anymore if I were to get involved with someone.
Well, I agree with the last part because our relationship hasn’t gone beyond friendship. Once you cross that line it’s difficult to go back. Not impossible but certainly not easy.
But I think that it is human nature to act differently towards people we are attracted to. Sure, you can put it out of your mind but it has a tendency to sneak back in when you least expect it.
I think this is one of those areas where the way different people think is so different that it’s difficult even to communicate. It might be human nature to act differently with people you’re attracted to, but that doesn’t come into play if you’re…not attracted to them. I’m not talking about putting anything out of my head, but about simply not seeing or thinking about people in that light. About meeting people as humans and reacting to them as humans and attraction not even coming into play unless and until something different starts to develop, usually months (or longer) down the road.
There’s a big difference between being able to objectively identify someone as attractive and being attracted to that person, and the former doesn’t have any impact on the way you think about a person.
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